| ive had just about all i can take |
[Jan. 13th, 2005|09:46 pm] |
i dont even know why i tried to clear things up in the first place. i couldnt give two shits less that you think it was me. in fact i would prefer it if you did. i know whos journals i do comment in, and whos that i dont, and i am satisfied with the fact that i know myself and the fact that i dont even care enough anymore to leave a comment on your stupid journal. as for the person responsible, you know who you are, that is the last time i share any fucking information about myself with you, although the sentiment is much appreciated.
and for the record, dont tell someone to leave you alone if you are going to KEEP FUCKING TALKING TO THEM. |
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| i know its hurting you, but its killing me |
[Jan. 8th, 2005|11:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | avenged sevenfold- "unholy confessions" | ] |
so i think it is safe to say that i have washed my hands clean of something that was not doing my emotions very good (yes i will name names, fuck you krystal). what makes me mad is that instead of admitting your faults and how you wronged me, you run away and play the victim, and make me out to be an asshole. go ahead and have your attention since its what you crave so much. i dont see someone who has anything to complain about, i see someone who is running away from the truth because it hurts too fucking bad. you were never worth my time, and if i know now what i knew then, the first time you approached me i would have turned away. you were one of the worst things that happened to me and i hope you fucking choke. |
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| love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|11:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hungover | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Used- "im a fake" | ] |
as of right now, it is 11 30 in the morning. my head feels like a bag of hell. we went to a wedding last night, and i was feeling the lowest i have this whole trip. so, there being alcohal there, i drank myself stupid. i drank so much my liver hurts. i havent been drunk in a long time, it felt good to escape completely. of course now my parents are super angry at me because i was totally polluted in front of them. i dont care though, they dont understand. by the way, thanks to those who left comments on my last entry, ill be fine after a while. 6 days until i come home, its going to be bittersweet because ive grown attached to this place. i really like it here, despite the shit islamic government and its fucked up laws. im really going to miss my family when i come back.
one thing that has been peeving me as of late is how...fuck it. i wont go into that until i get the matter solved. thats one thing im looking forward to the most, getting some fucking closure. god knows i fucking deserve it after all the shit that ive been put through. next time im not going to let myself be hurt like this. im through being weak, im through opening myself up to just be let down, and im through with being confused. anyway, im going to go back to sleep, as my head is throbbing and i think im about to throw up. so long, and good night. |
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| there is no beginning to this story |
[Dec. 31st, 2004|11:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Atreyu- "ain't love grand" | ] |
what the fuck...its not December 31...
anyway, iran is a beautiful country, but i still wish i was home. to all those who actually read this or give a fuck, i cant wait to see everyone again. i still dont feel better, but right now i have found a way to block the pain. i swore to myself that i wouldnt let myself stray...but thats bullshit because it seems like now nothing really matters. this is very surreal, and i dont think ive ever had to put up with these emotions before...at least not on a level such as this. i hope you are happy, because i sure as hell am not.
since ive been here, ive done a lot of things i probably should regret..but i dont. not in the least fucking bit. i dont care who i hurt anymore, because i just want someone to feel what im feeling. i want someone to be there for me, but that is not going to happen. ive lived enough to know i will never have the satisfaction of being the object of anothers affection. im going to die alone, and i have to learn to cope with that.
just ask the question come
untie the knot
say you won't care, say you won't care...
retrace the footsteps
as if we forgot
say you won't care, say you won't care...
you try to avoid it
but there's not a doubt
and there's one thing
that i can do nothing about |
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| i wish i was special...so fucking special |
[Dec. 29th, 2004|11:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | AFI- "this time imperfect" | ] |
im jet lagged out of my mind, running on an empty stomach, heartbroken, and the only thing i can do about it is write in this fucking journal. my whole family is here, i should feel some form of comfort, but i dont. i feel like there is nothing really left to live for. i should have seen it coming, but somehow i thought for once someone cared about me the way i cared about them. guess i was wrong...
all i feel is pain
maybe i will wake up and everything will be better again, but i doubt that will happen. even now its hard to find the words to write that can explain what im feeling. confused and hurt would some it up pretty nicely. i suppose you could say its my fault for trying. i was never good enough in the first place
...my intimate is no one |
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| all i see are dark gray clouds, and the distance moving closer with every hour... |
[Dec. 3rd, 2004|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | death cab for cutie - "tiny vessles" | ] |
so, what if you are completely enamored with someone, but you cant seem to tell them. and what if it might be too late, and everything you thought could be is swept away in the span of an hour. maybe its me and my discontent talking, but i hope that is all it is. i hope that im just over reacting.
All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now." |
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| too bad you're beautiful |
[Nov. 30th, 2004|07:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the dillinger escape plan- "highway robbery" | ] |
meh...no updates recently. what can i say besides there really is nothing to update about. i need a fucking cigarette, hows that for starters? yeah, quitting hasnt been going so well... :\. hasnt been going much at all actually. hasnt been the most exciting few days. considering the rain, living in the woodlands, and me just being me and putting off something i should have done a while ago because i have no guts is all really starting to irritate me. you could say im in a bad mood right now. shmeh. ah fuck it, im out. |
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| i have beaten the man! |
[Nov. 13th, 2004|10:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | against me! - "impact" | ] |
well, i no longer work at kroger, thank the fuck christ. the story goes: i was working, and my boss was basically being a fucking dyke-face (as she usually is) and bitching me out and all this fucking bullshit. and then because for some reason i "wasn't pushing carts," i suddenly have it for 2 hours. TWO FUCKING HOURS. well, me being me, i was just like "fuck this job" and started walking around. i knew that i was probably going to get fired, but since i dont even care if i have them as a reference or not i just left. i went to subway to get a sandwich with krystal, and my boss finally after like an hour comes in and says "are you on my time?" So i said "yeah," which was followed by her saying "well, not anymore." i started laughing because it was funny as hell finally getting to piss that bitch off AND i was free from slaving for the man. ahhhh, life rules. hopefully jamie can help me get a new job at randalls, so if that goes through ill probably end up working there. wow, its been a long time since i last updated. coheed and underoath is today, i think i might be going. it all depends on whos going though, i dont really want to go by myself.
Other than that, things have been going pretty good. me and krystal finally got to finish Day of the Dead, that movie is badass, minus the part about people getting chunks of flesh ripped out of them by fucking zombies. fuck those zombie motherfuckers. well yeah, that was a lot of fun. we need to get more movies!
hmmm, what else. OH, i got the against me! dvd, and it is life changing. if you are a fan i highly suggest you purchase it, being that they are the greatest fucking band on the face of this earth. i also got halo 2, which consumes my life even when im not playing it. it is quite the fun game. so i think im going to go play it now, because i dont have to go to work at shit ass kroger anymore. WOO WOO! |
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| this is how we like to do it in the murder scene... |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|08:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mcr- "honey, this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us" | ] |
hello. not the greatest weekend id say. im kind of pissed at someone, but i wont go into that because ill only get drama out of that. so fuck it. best part was going to my chemical romance. all i have to say is "wow." it was definitley a great time. best part being the company, that made it very special. woo woo. yeah, so today was pretty fucking gay. work was the busiest ive ever seen it, im talking about lines going into the ailses. it fucking sucked. i wanted to kill myself. krystal came up to visit me even though she felt like shit...im sorry :(. i hope she feels better. uh, thats about the extent of it, so im gonna go and er, do nothing. later. |
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| burn piano island, burn |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|07:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the blood brothers-"trash flavored trash" | ] |
uh, yeah. nothin else to do but update. so lets update this bitch!
school sucks. a lot.
work is bullshit, the fucking piece of shit union isnt taking its greedy ass paws off of my fucking paycheck, and im really pissed. REALLY pissed. i pissed away my time working 23 hours and i make fucking 90 bucks. im getting a new fucking job.
uh, i have some kind of performance class thing for piano on saturday, i think im playing a beethoven piece for that, hope i get enough practice before hand.
i fucking cant stop thinking about her. i wonder if she knows that? i hope so. hope we get to hang out more, didnt see her today. too bad :/.
um, yeah. update. cliffsnotes style. we got this shit bitch. |
|
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| ..and you cry yourself to sleep tonight. |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|08:52 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | thursday- "the dotted line" | ] |
today sucked. had an 8 hour day at work, that pretty much took every bit of positive energy i had out of me. now i am sitting here writing in my livejournal like the cool kid i am. oh well. i am not in the happiest of moods, things at home have been a little more on the hard side. things with my parents are getting better, but ever since my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers its been a very emotional time. people tell me to just take it as it comes and not wallow in sadness, but its hard. its hard to stand by and think about how someone you love so very much wont be able to remember your name in a few years. i cant wait to see her and everyone else when i go to iran for christmas. right now im listening to really old thursday as i type. its bringing back so many memories, especially of the one person that i could never get to. there are no feelings of that anymore, but i think that those memories will always go along with this music. funny how stuff like that works, the human brain is a mysterious thing. speaking of mysterious things, i think that i am officially captivated by *her*. i hope that good things will come. anyway thats all i feel like writing. |
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| she broke away, she broke away... |
[Oct. 12th, 2004|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | interpol-roland | ] |
who wants an update? its been a while. i got a job now. woo hoo for me. i hate kroger, me and craig are quitting. fuck the man. i need to find another job though. anyway for now, you people need to visit my sorry ass. there is this one person that i think im growing quite fond of..and im kind of getting a feeling from her but im not sure.. why does that shit have to be so fucking complicated. ASFHLSDKFJSDLKFSJs. anyway, MCR on the 30th, im so hyped. cant wait. |
|
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| sigh |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|10:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
i cant get her out of my head... |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|06:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | desaparecidos-"greater omaha" | ] |
i just got my yearbook from last year... jesus h christ i look like a fucking idiot. anyway, reminders of my shitty sophomore year aside, nothing new has been happening. and when i mean nothing new, i mean absolutley NOTHING. yeah. ill write more when i have something to write about. later. |
|
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| ill stare straight into the sun |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|07:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | straylight run-"the tension and the terror" | ] |
so being grounded actually doesnt suck all that bad, im getting a lot of things done, and finding a lot more time to play the piano. cant complain there i guess. in other news: school fucking sucks. its not even the waking up crack ass early every day that brings me down, but the hundreds of fuckheads that i have the displeasure of calling, uh, people that go to the same school as me. anyway, as far as ranting goes, im getting sick of all this homecoming shit. it was so fucking gay last year. blah. the company was enjoyable, but besides that i dont really see what the big deal is. i mean, if i had someone to go with (anyone?) i might go, but im just getting tired of all this anticipation. i cant wait till it dies down. yeah, so thats my two cents regarding homecoming. today was an all around okay day. actually, more on the crap side, but still, better than yesterday. i went to school, came home, passed out until 6, played the piano a little, and then went to my lesson which actually went really well. all of this goes up to this point, where i am talking about my day to an on-line journal. MAN I AM COOL!!! but anyway, im gonna go finish my homework and then sleep some more, so until next time... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|03:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | against me!-"shit stroll" | ] |
its the times where you need help the most that you figure out who your real friends are. thank you all for everything. and FUCK YOU to a certain few people that will go un-named, you should damn well know who you are. |
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| its not a fashion statement, its a fucking deathwish... |
[Sep. 5th, 2004|12:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the mars volta-"cicatriz esp" | ] |
hello. things have been pretty good as of late. im listening to the mars volta right now, definitley one of the greatest bands ever. so last night was fun, i went to john herrings house and chilled there for a little while. got to see people i havent seen in a while. but the bad news - sarah was there :/ . and she had my fucking sweater! grrrrrrrrr... i need to get that back. but besides that it was fun. after that we went down to fernandas party. it was really cool for a while, until it fucking got busted by the cops. there were so many people there- i would be 50 bucks that one of the neighbors called in with a noise complaint. bastards! anyway as i tried to get out the back i got stopped by a fucking cop. he took up my liscense and told me to hang out where i was stopped, which was outside of the house. it sucked. although i am glad i wasnt on anything, because there was alcohol at the party. i guess that wouldnt hurt me because i wasnt drunk, but still, a lot of my friends were there. that would have been bad. anyway, i got my liscense and got the fuck out of there as fast as i could. i drove around for like 10 min, and the jamie called me and said it was ok to come back. after that it was so much fun, there werent as many people, but everyone i didnt know left and everyone i did know was still there. so it was all good. i went home at around midnight, took two ny-quil and went to sleep. ny-quil is the shit. ive been pretty sick the past few days, but now im starting to feel better. i went to the doctor on friday and she said i have a sinus infection. that sucked, but its starting to falter so im happy. anyway im just gonna hang around the house today until jamie gets off work, then take it from there. i applied for a job, and jamie said that they need people so it looks good for me, lets hope i get it. anyway, im gonna go do other things, so bye for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2004|11:33 am] |
|
wow...im a fucking loser. |
|
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| the bitterness inside is growing like the new born... |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|08:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | muse- "tsp" | ] |
well, today was an odd day. school was awkward for some reason. i dont know why. one piece of good news: lexi's brother is doing okay. yay :). i know what it feels like to be in that situation so i really felt bad, but apparently hes doing fine now so thats good news. so many accidents lately. woodlands drivers = fuckheads. i left school a few min. early to go to the "doctor." turns out i wasnt going to the doctor, but the psychiatrist. well, since i was there i figured fuck it, ill tell the truth. it was awkward with my mom in the room but i said everything thats been bothering me. he prescribed me "happy-pills" and now i have to see a psycho-therapist. great. im another fucking teenage statistic. oh well, whatever it takes to make things better, things have been going down-hill for a while. the only real thing i can find solace in is music. i went to piano today, i actually enjoyed it alot. im taking it more seriously than i ever did, and the rewards are just awesome. everytime i sit down at that thing i feel better, the weight of school and everything else just melts away. anyway, i have to type an english paper after i finish writing in this. i really hate my english class. its boring as hell and the teacher is pretty bland. shes one of those do-it-by-the-book types. and the great gatsby is one of the single most boring pieces of literature i every had to read the cliffs-notes on. almost as bad as great expectations. dont even get me started on that paper-back magazine of misery and death. anyway. i guess i better go get started on teh homework. ah, life rules. |
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thejetsetlife's journal